“I flat out fell head over heels in love.”  Yep, I was a goner.  You actually may know him. 

Well, capital “H” HIM…Jesus. It may sound cheesy or even churchy, but this is my favorite way of explaining the radical transformation that occurred in my life nearly a decade ago.  To say I wasn’t expecting this turn of events is an understatement. Sure, I’d grown up going to church, but mostly because my parents made me. Girls, let me just say I didn’t know Jesus from Jose Cuervo. Actually, I knew Mr. Cuervo pretty well back then.  I was what you would call a wild child—in every sense of the word. If there was a rule, I’d break it. If there was a way to get in trouble, I’d find it. If there was a booze with a guy’s name (Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, Jim Beam) I’d introduce myself, and if there was a blue or frozen drink…well let’s just say I had a lot of blue tongues and head freezes back then!

All that changed, however, the day I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ.

Before my transformation, I was the girl looking for love in bars, boardrooms, and bedrooms.  And then…wham! Love found me. THE LOVE that I’d been desperately searching for “in all the wrong places” found me.  Before, I was grasping at anything and everything that I thought would make me feel whole, complete, or valued, but the problem was nothing would ever fill the gaping hole inside of me that was crying out for God.

You could say I was a mess. Combine the consequences of my sin and the brokenness of my childhood, and you had one empty, bruised and battered young woman. But you’d never know it by looking at me. From the outside, I looked like your typical young, single girl trying to find her next “fix”—a new guy, a new outfit, or just a new happening party scene.

Then I met Jesus.

I was absolutely blown away by the love and grace of God offered to me in Jesus Christ. Girls, I didn’t find religion. No! Far from it. I met a Person. And He loved me. No, really, He L-O-V-E-D me. Mess and all. The irresponsible, absent-minded, can’t find her keys, procrastinating, lying, insecure, drunk and promiscuous, messed up childhood, party girl…me…He loved me.

But there was a huge problem in our relationship…I didn’t love him.

Events from childhood and my own sin left me with a deep distrust of God. How could a “good” God have allowed the painful events of my past to occur? And because of my own rebellion and sin, my view of God was distorted.  Here’s the thing, sin darkens our understanding of who God really is; therefore, our image of God is marred, and as a result, we don’t trust him. Or perhaps it was the fact that I was carrying a heap of shame, and I didn’t believe God could forgive a girl like me.

I was in the midst of a major worldview shift. Part of me distrusted God, but the other part of me was beginning to see God in a new light. I had heard of his grace and forgiveness. Now I was beginning to see him as loving and kind, instead of mean and punishing. Jesus was wooing my heart to himself. I was a girl in conflict.

Could I trust this Jesus?

Should I surrender my life to him?

Would my life really be rewarding if I followed him?

I felt torn. My old life was broken, yet familiar. Following Jesus was an unknown—a step of faith into a mysterious world of surrender and obedience. I wanted to take the step…really I did, but there was something holding me back.

During this time I met this girl. She was beautiful, hip, and fun—not at all what I expected from a “church girl.” We met at the church I was attending. Amy is her name and the way she lived her life rocked my world. Amy invited me to join a Bible study group that met in her apartment. I went for a few weeks, and each night I left feeling miserable. Amy had something I did not have…she had a passionate love for Jesus Christ. Let me repeat myself. She was crazy in love with Jesus. So much so that she did silly things, like, I don’t know, obey him. Amy based her lifestyle choices on her love for the Lord. Obeying God was simple because she loved him. Trust me when I tell you that this line of reasoning was a totally foreign concept to me.

You see girls, at that point I believed obedience was something I had to do. I didn’t realize that obedience was motivated 100% by love. If you love God then you obey him. So, there I was a complete moral mess with no clue of what a relationship with God really meant, and yet still being pursued by Jesus. And sitting before me each week was this total Jesus freak.

But, Amy wasn’t weird; she was normal, which really jacked with my head all the more. That Bible study sincerely messed me up. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something major was missing in my life. I wanted what Amy had.

She was passionate for Jesus.

She was filled with joy.

She wasn’t empty.

She didn’t live in the emptiness of hookups and hangovers.

She truly desired to live a life that brought God glory.

One night I left her apartment after Bible study and sat in my car crying (imagine the really ugly face.) I knew I couldn’t go on the way I was living. The call of Jesus was so strong, yet the lure of the old and familiar was just as powerful. Even though I recognized my old life was empty, I still didn’t trust that life with Jesus could actually be fulfilling.

Sitting in my car I started talking to God. Not knowing how prayers were “supposed to sound,” I just said to God whatever I felt. Here is the conversation we (God and I) had that night. The night my whole life changed.

Jesus…. (Heaving sobs)

I don’t know much, but I do know that you are real.

I can’t explain all of this stuff that is happening to me, but I’m beginning to figure out that I can’t get away from you.

I know you died for me, and I know you love me.  But, I also know this: I don’t love you the way Amy loves you.

Frankly, I’m not sure I even like you all that much.

But, I know myself. I am a complete failure at being “good.”  I know you are the only option for me. It’s you or nothing else. I’m not going to find whatever it is I’m looking for anywhere but in you.

But, here’s the deal.  If I am going to live my life for you, then you need to do one thing for me: GIVE ME A HEART TO LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD! Trust me, this is the only way this relationship will work.

I know me. I’ll go back to my old ways tomorrow.

There is no way I can live this life for you if I don’t love you. Jesus, change me.

 DO WHATEVER IT TAKES…but GIVE ME A HEART THAT LOVES YOU.”

I had no idea the power of that prayer. My world turned upside down. Something supernatural occurred inside me that night. Today, after years of Bible study, I know I experienced what God spoke of in the Old Testament when he said:

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.  
Ezekiel 36:26-27(NIV)

And also in the New Testament when he said,

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old is gone, the new has come.”
2 Corinthians 5:17(NIV)

Later, when I stumbled across these verses in the Bible I thought, “THIS HAPPENED TO ME! I am a completely new person.” Today, I realize I wasn’t a phenomenon. God is the New Creation Business. His specialty is taking girls like me and making us new—women with new hearts, new desires, and a new love—Jesus Christ.

I am a redeemed girl! God did give me the new heart and new desires, and I wanted with everything in me to live for him. Something happened in my heart that night—I fell CRAZY in love with Jesus. Girls, I’m talking about serious butterflies. I was now my worst nightmare, I was a total Jesus freak and I didn’t care.

Excerpt from "Wilderness Skills for Women: How to Survive Heartbreak and other Full-Blown Melt-Downs"